Taking care of SIMA YI for Dummies
by Insertnameheretwentytimes
Summary: A manual for the SIMA YI unit.


**INTT aka me: Don't expect this to be a thing, this is something I thought would be funny to write up. MAY have others soon if can get motivated. I'm just doing Sima Yi because he's fun to make fun of.**

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**Introduction**

Congratulations! You are now the owner of the SIMA YI unit.  
This is the most expensive unit of the Jin line, so if you have regrets, please return him within the 30-day deadline.  
If not, thank you for purchasing at our one only retailer and finding us on Groupon.

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**Comes with...**

**One (1) Stupid Boat Hat**

**One (1) Stupid Dunce Cap Hat**

**Seven (7) Korean Soul Reaper robes**

**Two pairs (2) of elf shoes**

**Two (2) DW7 robes**

**Two (2) hair ribbons**

**One (1) sparkly whip**

**One (1) war fan**

**Five (5) scrolls in Chinese (One of them is pornography, but you can't read it! Unless you are already a native speaker and reader of Chinese.)**

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**Basic Information**

**Name: Sima Yi. (Please pronounce it as S-oo-ma. I know it sounds stupid, but this is a Chinese name.)**

**Gender: Male. (If you thought he was a she, please return this or if you're happy, fine.)**

**Place of Manufacture: Wen Country, Henan**

**Temple name: Gaozu. (Ha, that sounds like a Yu-Gi-Oh card.)**

**Famous for: EVERYTHING. (He's what Zhuge Liang wishes he were.)**

**Spouse: Zhang Chunhua**

**Children: Sima Shi, Sima Zhao, Sima Gan, Four more Sima sons, two unnamed daughters, Sima Lun, AKA the one who f**ked the Jin dynasty. Ironic, isn't it? (I'm guessing from all of that sex is the source of why he got to live up to 72, and no, they are NOT from the same woman.)**

**Appearance: Normal aside from the stupid hat. **

**Build: Skinny, but does have meat on his bones.**

**Age: 24 (Koei) 35-40 (if you go by logical age)**

**Striking Features: His hat and his smug look. But mostly the hat. **

**Height: 5'10 **

**Penis Length*scribbled over*: Please ignore this. My manual writer shall be fired for this stunt. Please consult the ZHANG CHUNHUA unit if you're that curious.**

**Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual. ****(Suzaku, you're fired!)**

**Quirks: Laughs at nothing for no reason. Shoots ice out his hands. Carries a whip. Uses more anti-aging cream than his wife and she doesn't even need it as much as he does. **

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**Instructions**

When you get the package, it will be shaky since we drugged the SIMA YI unit and forced him into the box and he is trying to get out. Introduce yourself or he'll just walk out of your house to get run over by a car because his ancient mind can't comprehend cars.

Please. PLEASE DO NOT do the slow-talking thing people do with Asians and other foreign people. He can understand you thanks to a translator built into his ears.

DO NOT touch him. If you're female, he'll push you away, if you're male, he'll also push you away. Anyway, DO NOT touch him. He doesn't like it. If you are female, he'll be rude since he lived in a time where women were treated like things. If you are male, he'll be slightly respectful but that's if you look the part. If you're wearing sweatpants and a greasy shirt, he'll treat you like a piece of s***. If you are wearing a clean shirt and clean pants, he'll MAY be actually nice.

If you happen to have the ZHANG CHUNHUA unit, you can throw this manual away.

**Care**

What are you, his mom? He can clean himself! If you're female, he will NOT accept any offers to wash his back. ANY. Don't try unless you want ice up your bum. He doesn't show mercy, even to women. He comes with sets of his own clothes, so he doesn't have to wear modern clothing. They are machine-washable, so don't worry about staining him with red wine to get him to shower/change. (Ladies) He cannot get sick, so yay, no medical bills. If you live in a big house with more than one bedroom, give him a room. If you live in an apartment, say goodbye to your bed because the SIMA YI unit is used to sleeping in a bed and will not live like a peasant. So you sleep on the floor. He needs to eat, so you have to feed him rice. It's not racist! He's used to it obviously and won't eat a piece of day-old greasy pizza! He's not your dog.

**How to keep you SIMA YI unit happy**

If you have a ZHUGE LIANG unit, throw him away because he is not going to live near him or even touch him. If you have either the SIMA SHI or the SIMA ZHAO unit, it will either make the SIMA YI unit stressed or entertained. If you have the ZHANG CHUNHUA unit, say goodbye to your bed sheets. If you decide to take the whole frickin' family in, get ready for drama and/or humor. It's like Game of Thrones meets the Adams Family. Let him read. He will not respond to video games or TV. Give him all your books. His translator does every book he looks at. He doesn't like art, so don't take him to an art exhibit. Overall, stick him in your local library and he'll read one entire bookshelf after an hour. He's sort of a pervert since he's forty and married, so thus give him a pornographic magazine. I am not going to sugarcoat the fact he is what all middle-aged men do.

DO NOT REMOVE the SIMA YI unit's hat! He doesn't like it when his head being exposed. Maybe he is balding, who knows?

DO NOT MAKE FUN OF HIS HAT. Only I can do that.

**The SIMA Yi unit will leave you or disobey you if one of the following happens:**

If you own the CAO CAO or the CAO PI units or both, he'll stop listening to you and only them since they are his bosses.

You treating him like a piece of crap.

You annoy him

Poke fun at his hat

(Females) You trying to rape him.

Comment on how is he forty and still doesn't have a goatee at least

You die.

KOEI comes in and takes him back.

Pretty much anything that is offensive to him

**Precautions**

**This unit is prone to anger and is very deadly when pushed over the edge. **

**Taking him out would result in people staring due to his stupid and ridiculous hat.**

**He can turn you into a popsicle if he wanted to, so don't provoke him by insulting his ice abilities.**

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**Special skills**

**-Translator for your Chinese exchange student**

**-Can do your homework because he's smart**

**-Instant ice for your beer or lemonade**

**-Can fan you during the summer months (Locked until he respects you)**

**-Lasers for your party (Careful, they actually burn)**

**-Anything opener (Lasers solve everything!)**

**-Rich motherf***** (Locked if the area where you live doesn't accept gold)**

**Modes**

**Asshole (Default)**

**Tsundere (Activated when he acts nice to ANYONE)**

**Father (If with SIMA SHI or SIMA ZHAO units)**

**(Whipped) Husband (If with ZHANG CHUNHUA unit)**

**Rapist *Locked***

**Servant (If he respects you, or with the CAO CAO or CAO PI units)**

**Romancing**

**If you're female and want to get into the SIMA YI unit's pants, you cannot have the ZHANG CHUNHUA unit, or this will be impossible. If you don't have a busty chest or know kung-fu that can kick his ass, romancing this unit is also impossible. Why do you want to get into his pants anyway? He's like forty, and you're like what? Sixteen, twenty, twenty-one? I 'oughta call Dateline for this scandal.**

**If you're male, don't try it. He's obviously not as open-minded as the ZHANG HE or LI DIAN units. **

**Interactions**

**CAO CAO: Boss. Respects him. **

**CAO PI: Second boss. Respects him.**

**SIMA SHI: First son. Totally his favorite. **

**SIMA ZHAO: Second son. Going to disown him.**

**ZHANG CHUNHUA: Married to him ever since she was thirteen. Sort of creepy and motherly at the same time.**

**WANG YUANJI: Daughter-in-law. Blonde for some reason.**

**ZHUGE LIANG: He hates this unit if you didn't get the memo before.**

**ZHANG HE: Flamboyant guy that bothers him in DW6. The SIMA YI unit sent him to his death at Jieting. Of course he's still mad.**

**GUO HUAI: Serves him. SIMA YI unit saved his wife. **

**DENG AI: Serves him. SIMA YI unit gave him a job.**

**ZHONG HUI: He just doesn't like him ever since "Defeat the Rebels."**

**WEI YAN: This unit dislikes the SIMA YI unit very much for some reason.**

**JIA XU: They had one conversation.**

**GUO JIA: One conversation.**

**XIAHOU DUN: This unit's guide at Fan Castle. Nothing else.**

**XU HUANG: With him at Wu Zhang Plains during the older games. Nothing else.**

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**FAQ's**

_**My SIMA YI unit is dead!**_

**Opps, that box didn't have airholes, I guess.**

_**My SIMA Yi unit is trying to rape me!**_

**Oh dear me! That is the DW6 SIMA Yi unit! Do not resist, it hurts less that way.**

_**How does he go to the bathroom?**_

**Do you want to watch him do his business? And he has the normal parts of waste removal, so he's like you and me.**

_**My unit is speaking Mandarin and I can't understand him!**_

**He doesn't have his translator installed. Please look around in the box to find it. It might have came off during shipping.**

_**Why is my unit trying to kill me?!**_

**You treat him like s***, he'll treat you like s***. Or he just doesn't like your face.**

_**My unit is throwing tomatoes at art enthusiasts!**_

**He doesn't like art. And I guess he doesn't like hipsters.**

_**SIMA YI is not listening to me!**_

**Please refer to the paragraph after the "How to keep your SIMA YI unit happy" paragraph.**

_**Koei is here! What do I do?**_

**They'll sue you if you don't give the SIMA YI unit back.**

If you have any questions/complaints/comments, please contact me at REVIEW-RE-VIEW and overall, rate us five stars on Yelp.

COPYRIGHT 2014


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